withered heart

there were several moments when I felt that I'm broken into pieces.
first, the moment when my dad passed away.
second, the moment when I broke up with my ex.
and the third,
yesterday.

lately I felt very worn out, confused, fatigue, sad, depressed, and all of the bad feelings you could mention--mixed into one. I chose to lock myself up in my room rather than tried to open up and told everyone that I am not okay. I just broke up with my ex not so long ago, plus my cancer getting worse so I should change the chemotherapy to the higher level. it is really torturing me. it even so hard for me to wake up without feeling stressed.

after days passed, then one day I cut melons for my family. I saw the seeds and suddenly wanted to plant it. so I just planted it, together with my lychee seeds. they grow really well, and I felt very happy for them. this is the first time (after I'm broken down) that I really wanted to do something. with taking care of my plants, I'm unconsciously feel better. they just look like my happy pills, my emotional and mental therapy (sort of self-healing), also as one the reason I should get out from my bed everyday. and I was very happy that my parents supported me for this gardening activities.

but then, it happened.
as my plants growing, they need bigger space. so I bought soils and polybags, I divided them into several polybags. because I'm living in a shophouse, I don't have any yard to put all of the polybags. so I just put it in front of my house. my mom said that they'll build a greenhouse for me beside our house, so I felt really happy for it. then yesterday morning, after my mom prayed fajr, she packed the soil to polybags. my stepdad suddenly came to her and said that don't put the polybags there, and says something else (I don't really know but it must be hurt my mom feeling). my stepdad didn't even help my mom tho. he just said hurtful things then left.

in the morning, when me and my mom talked about melons that we planted, my stepdad came to us. my mom still upset because of him, so she just act grumpy towards him. he didn't realize what was his mistake, and suddenly started the fire. he raised his voice towards my mom, my mom answered back, he getting more upset then blabbered nonsense things and blamed my plants. till he yelled and said that he would throw all my plants away. I just couldn't hold on my anger anymore and yelled to them. I screamed, I told them that I'd throw everything away. I felt super angry and sad towards my stepdad. he just know how to yell, how to scream, hot to put the blame to other people. he even said that my mom was harsh towards him. I didn't understand at all.

after I said everything, and crying, and screaming--I run to the mosque in front of my house. I cried out loud. I couldn't take it anymore. I hate him.

why should he became that mad towards my activities? I didn't do sin or murder someone, but why he was exaggerating towards anything? why he yelled at me and my mom?
he already yelled to my mom for several times but my mom still forgave him. I felt super sad about it because all could I do was silently crying with grabbing my painful heart. I just couldn't do it anymore yesterday. I screamed to him, I yelled, out loud.


later that day I went to my dad's grave. I wanted him to back.
I hate my stepdad.

my heart just withered once again.
will it ever bloom?